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On Teen Sex
By Jeremy | June 20, 2008
One of the reasons I love the internet is its capacity to shrink the world so people can find each other and share ideas and resources across geographic, cultural, and other boundaries. Exhibit 786: a mother found the articles “Let’s Talk About Sex” and “Things We Don’t Talk About” when Googling, “Teenage Son Sexual Temptation,” and emailed me on Facebook about her son. With her permission, I’m posting part of one of my messages to her here.
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It sounds like P is conflicted. Part of him wants what’s right, to be “respectful, responsible, trustworthy”; to play music in the worship band; etc. Part of him is dealing with regular teenage stuff, like exploring his sexuality; but in unhealthy ways with porn and his girlfriend. Part of him is testing his relationship with you and your husband — sneaking out, “borrowing” the van, etc. Part of him is probably revisiting the pain and guilt of his past, which, even if dealt with when he was younger, gets processed again, differently, at various stages of life. This may help explain the experimenting with drugs and alcohol.
For whatever they’re worth, here are some initial thoughts:
A) Teen years are an inherently tumultuous time. Hormones raging, bodies changing, boundaries tested, identities challenged, and kids trying to figure out where they belong. Factor in cultural pressures (see “Mooks, Midriffs, Myspace and More” for lots more on this) and the unique realities of P’s past and he’s struggling to make sense of it all.
B) P needs to know that you understand what he’s going through, or at least that you want to understand. You’ll communicate this by talking less and listening more; but if he’s like most teens he may not voluntarily talk much about what’s really going on. Herein lies the art of the fake-out. I recently watched a video of Professor Randy Pausch’s “Last Lecture” at Carnegie Mellon University. Last August, Prof. Paulson was diagnosed with terminal Pancreatic Cancer and given 3-6 months to live. In September, he delivered his now famous lecture on “How to Really Achieve Your Childhood Dreams,” and presented a talk about living, not dying, that contains all the wisdom he hopes to impart into his three kids (now 1-5 years old) when they are old enough to watch the lecture for themselves. One of the life lessons he shares is what he calls “The Fake-Out.”
The basic idea is that to get people to do things that are difficult, sometimes it’s best if they think something else is going on (like if they’re having fun). For example, he used the occasion of what was supposed to be an academic lecture to record a heartfelt message to his children. That other people eavesdropped and learned something was an added bonus. Or in his field of academia — he pioneered virtual reality technologies as a computer scientist — he would teach students some of the most difficult computer programming in the world by helping them create virtual realities. What his students experienced was excitement and energy of the creative process — rather than the ho hum doldrums of computer code — even though the substance of what they were learning was incredibly difficult.
C) The fact that P feels conflicted is a good thing. It means, among other things, that his conscience is not seared. There’s still a tenderness and sensitivity to you and God that you need to nurture. You nurture that by being proactive when P isn’t acting out, not just reacting when he does. Some ideas: invest in what P loves. What is he passionate about? What excites him? For some teens, these are hard questions (for many adults too!), so help expose him to options through travel, family outings, your own hobbies. If he (or you) have a clue about what he likes, and it’s something you enjoy, schedule time to do it together. If it’s something you don’t enjoy (like video games or social networking online) or don’t understand (like his musical preferences), empower him to teach you. How cool is that for a kid? (1) Mom admits kid knows more than she does about something and (2) mom needs (and wants) kid’s help learning. It’s a huge confidence builder. And for the best part — the time he spends teaching you is time you’ve spent together interacting around something he loves. Despite the “fake-out,” now he has yet another reason to trust you.
D) Perhaps what P needs most of all is reassurance that no matter what he does, no matter how far he falls, you’re love for him is unconditional. He did nothing to earn your love; he can do nothing to lose it either. I suspect that this is an area where his past tries to haunt him. (Similarly, he’s probably wrestling with whether God really loves him. Your example of a faithful parent will speak volumes to him about his heavenly father’s love as well.) A great resource that my wife and I recently completed together is called “Sonship.” The material may be over his head as a teenager, but it may be liberating for you to do personally.
E) For a more clinical take on how to help P, check out “The Youth Worker’s Guide to Helping Teenagers in Crisis
F) Specifically with regards to P’s experimentation with online porn, two excellent resources I’d recommend are: (A) pretty much anything produced by XXXChurch.com and (B) the book “Every Young Man’s Battle
G) Lastly, here are some thoughts specifically about how to engage teens online. (Some of them might be basic considering you found me via Google and FB, but maybe not).
Topics: books, fathering, internet, parenting, randy pausch, resources, sex, sexuality, youth, youth ministry | No Comments »
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